Tuesday, April 15, 2008


Well, I kindof did it.

The Dept was, again, a Monday Night NightMare. The Hospital being really full didn't help. And, strange enough, sick people kept showing up. The audacity of it... BBP wasn't on, which aided my quest to be serious, as he always makes me feel jovial, and shares my sense of humour (I think - he may just be humouring me, until it's my round on the peanuts) which tends to encourage me to joke about a little. But another of my favourite nurses was on - The Great I Am - and he's equally partial to a bit of light heartedness. This, coupled with the presence of yet another of my fave staff - Queen of The Black Smoke - combined to make us busy, and me just a bit silly. But not hypomanic enough to warrant the Vitamin H. Yet.

But, still, I defined finite interaction with my patients. So, you, who were short of breath as your lungs clogged with fluid, and you, who were bleeding yourself pale, you joined the throng who I spent a little less time with. Less time holding your hands, explaining what I was doing; less time talking to your families, less time making sure you were warm and comfortable. You were all pushed, filed, indexed, briefed, debriefed and numbered.


Cautiously, as I may once again be on thinnish ice, I'm contemplating fate. I'm never quite sure how much of a fatalist I am. I'm pretty sure there's something in it, but I'm never quite sure how much I could, or should attribute to the will of a higher power. Either way, I most often contemplate it in terms of mortality, or soul mates.

Mortality? Is it ever someone's time? Well, yes. When you go, it's your time. I've presided over this hundreds, if not thousands of times. Some of you know when it's coming; some of you don't. Is it meant to be? Does that make it easier. I genuinely don't know; I suspect the idea that something was 'meant' to be is extraordinarily cold comfort to someone who has lost a loved one.

Nonetheless, sometimes, I think it is your time, whether you like it or not. I'm not sure what that means. Maybe it's the whiskey talking. The philosopher Izzard has commented that Hitler lived longer than his mother. (Izzard's, not Hitler's) His point being that shit happens; is that fate?

Soulmates. A happier subject? Not necessarily. Is there someone for everyone? Maybe, but what if they're on another continent? Or in Cleveland? Then is that fate telling you they ain't the one for you?

I've mostly encountered this is the negative sense; people who one meets, who, if fate had dictated a different time, a different place... well, who knows?

But never before, encountered a situation wherein now seems to be the right time. Is that a sign? Would that be fate?

Time, as ever, will tell.


911DOC said...

you guys too? our flu season was brutal this year, not with deaths, but with about two solid months of a full hospital and a fulll ER.

very curious doc that you have used the slang, "ain't", just wondering, since i associate it with the american south, if it's something that's permeated the queen's english as well? perhaps it's originally cockney?

in terms of fate, i'm with you, i have come half circle from being an agnostic with leanings towards atheism to being a believer in God. if you come up with definitive proof either way please do let me know.


Baby Blue Pyjamas said...

For proof i submit ibuprofin. It stops my back hurting.

"Ain't" is that a london cokney thing? I'm guessing the deep south annunceiation (i know i've spelt that wrong) is different from the cockeny. Or indeed the mockney as spoken in the south of the uk. But i use the "snot" for its not. apposed to ain't for is it not. ramble ramble ramble.

NursieDoll said...

Can you really ever contemplate fate without considering destiny? One either looks at destiny as an inalterable paterrn of events which are unchangeble and inescapable leading to fate. Alternatively one takes the view point whereby individuals can choose their own destiny by reading the signs which destiny presents to us. Im more apt to go with the second explaination - i believe there are certain situations and coincidences which happen in ones life which can assist you in making decisions, which inturn effects your life - everyone of us has choices - it is the facts presented and ones intuition which assist us to make a final decision. Im more inclined to to contemplate it to your whole life but can see it is more apparent or should i say more visible in terms of mortality and soul mates. Fate implies their is no choice and is an outcome but destiny allows for willful participation. If fate is fixed does it matter the pathway of events one takes? Will the result still be the same or can one alter the outcome by altering their willful participation in the events (destiny) leading up to the outcome (fate)?

Alternatively will altering ones destiny just prolong ones fate?

If your supposide soul mate moves away - did one have the choice to go with them?, Maybe you will meet again at a later date or maybe they were not the one? Time will only tell.. Take a look at the Idle argument;

Soul mates do not necissarily meant to be 'the one' you are to be with at the present time. Souls can be those whom you have experienced with in past, parallel or will in future lifetimes.

If you have an unexplainable connection with certain individuals, is possible to feel that connection with someone but to realise it is not the right time or place hence the saying which is frequently heard.

Chrysalis Angel said...

I love the comment nursiedoll left. I believe things will work out the way they are meant to. I feel there is free will and a plan. Sometimes what we think we want, isn't good for us, and something intervenes. The thing is not to force things, and it's hard not to do at times. What's meant to be will come.

radioactive girl said...

I mostly lurk here, not sure if I ever left a comment or not but I have so many thoughts on this that I wanted to at least say hi and let you know that I love what you write.

I definitely believe in some sort of higher power, but not necessarily the standard definition of God. I believe that things usually work out how they should if you let them, but that isn't to say that you shouldn't fight for what you want. My thoughts are clear in my mind, but oh so difficult to type out in a short comment.

I graduated from college not even one month after I turned 20, I got married a few months later and started having kids right away. Everyone said I was crazy for being in such a hurry, but in my heart I felt like I needed to. Fast forward a few years, just after my 4th baby was born and I had thyroid cancer and then exactly one year later a hysterectomy. If I hadn't listened to my heart, I would not have been able to have kids. If I had waited and done what most people consider a "normal" time to have kids, I would never have had any of them.

I think a lot of times what you think you want isn't what you really want (I mean people, not you specifically). When I had cancer, I felt confident that everything would go as it should. I was calm and peaceful knowing that things would work out. Not necessarily how I thought I wanted them to work out, but they way that was best. I can't imagine going through my ordeal without that faith/trust. That isn't to say that I just sat around and let things be, I fought like hell for my life but never with the absolute fear I would have had without the feeling that things were just going to be ok no matter what the end result was. I didn't want to die, but I was pretty much ok with my life as it was if that was what should happen. I was mainly sad for what my kids and husband would have to go through. Luckily that did not need to be something they went through.

In the end, things are what they are, and a lot of times life would be so much more peaceful if people just adapted to it instead of trying so hard to mold things into what they think would be best in the exact way they want them to be. But again, I am not saying that you should just lie down and let things be crap, you should absolutely work to make things the way you want them, all the while knowing that maybe the way you think is best is not really best for you at all.

This is long, and I feel like I am not expressing my feelings on this very well, but hopefully you will at least get some of what I'm trying to say. I think I could talk for days about this because I have so many feelings that get all mixed around in my head.

As for the Cleveland thing, I think since it has been on your mind so much lately, maybe you owe it to yourself to explore that a little more? Either so whatever it is can work out how you think you want it or so you can let it go. Just my opinion having no idea what it is about, so obviously disregard if that doesn't make any sense to you.

Have a great day! Sorry for the long rambly first comment here! I hope it makes at least a little bit of sense.

Chrysalis Angel said...

I understood you completely, Radioactive girl. I think we have very similar out looks -perhaps from all we've been through.

Hope you don't mind my stopping to make a quick comment to her, Knifeman. It's sometimes difficult to come out from the shadows and speak up. I just wanted her to know that I understood her, and think she left you a good and wise comment.

DrShroom said...

All comments welcome; pleased to see I have intellectual readers capable of deeper thought than I ...

thanks guys